Life with Cerebral Palsy: Dealing with Comments

1 Samuel 16-7I am going to be honest with you, guys. I had another blog post idea in mind for this week. In fact, I’ve been thinking about the post for nearly a week now, so it’s definitely something I want to discuss. But, something came up. Some other idea announced itself like a megaphone. It was clear my original post idea for the week needed to be put on a hold.

Now, you find me here. Something happened to me today that I didn’t think would rub me as much as it did. Something deeply pained me more than I was willing to let on. I have previously talked about my life with cerebral palsy in various posts and faucets. As I look back on one of my posts about life with cerebral palsy, I ran across a line I wrote that said, “I let go of the rude comments people made to me in middle school.”

Reading that line today stung a little bit and not for the reasons one may think. Indeed, I have let go of the comments people made to me in middle school. As I’ve lived more life and more days with my disability, I’ve learned that what was said to me in middle school was coming from people who were in the same boat as me at the time—just trying to figure out hormones and who they were.

But, that line stung a little bit because it made me realize that comments about my disabilities were not, in fact, going to stop in middle school. They just weren’t. In fact, I dealt with a comment today. And it hurt. It hurt a lot more than I thought it would. This person asked me if I would be normal after having physical therapy. In response, I said, I would let the comment go.

Nevertheless, it’s been much harder to let go of what it stands for and what it reminds me of. It is my reminder that I will constantly be around people who do not understand or have any idea what it is like to be disabled. I will constantly be around people who do not know how to behave around those who are different than them.  This does not end in middle school. In fact, it only continues and gets worse.

I can vividly recall three instances in my adult life when someone blatantly made a comment about my disability without second-guessing. I can vividly recall how I felt in each of those moments. I can vividly recall how angry and hurt I felt. I can vividly recall wanting to explain myself or say something but not knowing how.

Today, one of those instances occurred.

And it hurt.

It hurt deeply.

It did not hurt because I was ashamed of my disability. It hurt because it was evident this person viewed me as something other than “normal” or capable because of it.

I am still trying to process it all now. Even if I don’t have all my thoughts together, it’s worth discussing.

Truthfully, I find my heart breaking not only for myself but also the people who have ever made a comment or glanced at me awkwardly because of my disability. I find my heart breaking for these people because they are missing out on so much.

They are missing out on getting to know me on a heart level. They are missing out on the beauty of Jesus’ grace. I can let go of hurtful comments because I know who I am in Christ. I can let go of snide remarks because I embrace my disability.

But, it is extremely hard for me to know there are people who have such a skewed view of people and this world. It is extremely hard for me not to spend hours wondering who or what may have led these people to believe it is acceptable to see others only for their impairments and nothing more.

So, I am in a bit of a tough place right now. These comments don’t happen often, or at least to my knowledge, but the sting gets worse each time. But, not for me. No, it gets worse for the people who fail to see me beyond my disability.

If you’ve ever had a comment made to you because of your disability, just know you are not alone. Also, know that those comments do not define you, nor does your disability. It may be part of your story and God’s plan for your life, but it does not define you.

May we all find the courage to see others for their heart and not their outward appearance or impairments.



Living with My Husband: Worth the Wait

Lamentations 3-25In the past week, I’ve thought a great deal about how wonderful it is to live with my husband. I recently took a stroll through our apartment. In that stroll, I couldn’t help but thank God for the life He has given me. Yes, it has had its fair share of trials, tribulations, heartbreaks and everything in between. But, they all led me to where I am now.

Now, I am married to a sweet man, whom I deeply love and cherish, whom I also live with, which still blows my mind to this day. Don’t get me wrong, I lived with others before, especially coming from a big family and simply having junior college roommates.

But, I had never lived with a guy until I married my husband. I mean, I began my wedding day living on my own and ended it living with my husband. As a Christian believer, I chose to not live with my husband until we were married. I realize not everyone will agree with our decision, but it is what God called us to.

In a way, I relate to Monica on Friends when she realizes she’s living with a boy. She freaks out a little, no matter how prepared she may think she is. I freaked out a little just because it was new for me, not because I didn’t want it to happen. I knew it was part of God’s plan for my life once I married my husband. For that, I was grateful.

Needless to say, it took quite the adjustment to live with him. When I say with him, I mainly mean it took quite the adjustment to get used to living with someone of the opposite gender. Plus, there was the added notion of sharing nearly everything with him. It was much different than any other living situation I previously encountered, where there are still boundaries.

Yes, we have had to get used to our fair share of quirks and habits. For instance, my hair sheds everywhere. Or, he has to place his keys in the same spot when coming home from work each day. Or, I prefer to take showers first on the weekdays, but not on the weekends.

We’ve also had to find a balance between house chores and errands, especially since we only have one car. Regardless of our vehicle count, though, we had to find a balance because we are a team. We are united as one in holy matrimony.

Not only have we had to find a balance between chores and whatnot, but it took quite a bit to find a “me time” routine. You know, a routine set apart for both of us to spend time by ourselves to relax and unwind. As introverts, we need that time to ourselves to recharge.

Nevertheless, just as we needed to find time to recharge our introverted battery, we also needed to be intentional about spending time together. When I say time together, I don’t just mean sit on the couch and watch a show either. Although, that is nice. I mean, get a little dressed up, go out, enjoy a meal and maybe a game of mini golf. Indeed, go on a date and enjoy each other’s company.

It can be so easy to let the busyness of life go by. It’s easy to think, “Oh, I live with this person. We should have no problem spending quality time together.” Our nearly two years of marriage have taught us that is a lot harder than one might think, especially with me still in school.

Thankfully, we’ve done a decent job of making time for each other. We’ve learned to say no for the sake of us, no matter how much we want to say yes and add another event to our schedule. I continuously learn each day why it is so important to make time for each other, whether we’ve been married two years, twenty-five years, or fifty years.

My call to you is this: If you’ve lived with your spouse for only a short while, be patient. Let the kinks and quirks of living together work out. It will take time. But, it is incredibly sweet, so don’t try to rush it. It’s another part of your lives as one. Cherish those funny moments as you figure life out together.

If you’ve lived with your spouse for a long while, go on a date. Yup, go on a date. Don’t let your everyday routine get in the way of your sweet bond in marriage.

And whether you are married or dating, may Jesus always be the center of your relationship. May He be first in your lives. May He guide your footsteps and ways. Don’t let the judgment of others stop you from waiting until marriage to live together.

God’s blessing for waiting is as sweet as honey, dear friends.





Take Time to Reflect: Let Moments Linger

Time stands still - Brian Andreas quote

The other day, I had someone say something to me that deeply encouraged me. It was one of those comments one can easily brush past in the moment. But, when reflecting on it later, you begin to realize the impact it had on you. The same can be said for comments that may not be as encouraging.

In God’s timing, these two types of comments happened in one day. During part of the day, I was greatly encouraged and my heart was full of gladness. During another part, my heart ached.

I’ve never understood the part of life where it is natural to reflect on a situation later and see it much differently than you do in the moment. I’ve never understood why I tend to learn more about a situation in the 12 hours directly following it than any other time. Maybe this is because I am constantly trying to be more aware of what I say to whom and when. I also deeply value understanding all that people say to me, good and bad.

I am notorious for constantly adding commentary here and there about an event or experience well after it has occurred. It can be awhile before I feel like I’ve said all I can say. Maybe this is because I want to glean all that I can from life experiences. Part of that gleaning means deciding if I need to reach out to someone or if my afterthoughts are to be kept to myself.

I guess one could say I see the importance of making the most of an event or situation for all parties involved before I consider it in the past. I am a believer in telling someone thank you for this or that days later. I believe in saying thanks, period, even if it may be at an awkward or unnatural moment.

I believe in living life in the moment. But, I also believe in moments lingering on for a while afterward.

There is nothing wrong with making the good moments last a little longer. For instance, my engagement and wedding day lasted longer by all the people who asked me about them. It seemed like I relieved those precious moments, thus, in a way, making them last longer.

I think God teaches us how to live life in the moment by making a moment last longer in our thoughts. Again, I understand this can be for good or bad moments. I think in this lingering God strives to teach us more about ourselves and our behaviors as well as more about Himself and who He is.

All this to say, I believe it is important to reflect on circumstances as they happen, 12 hours after, or even days or years after. Most importantly, it is important to tell those who unknowingly say the right thing at the right time thank you.

My call to you is this: Live life in the moment. But, do not be afraid to let moments linger, the good and the bad. God uses the good and bad to draw us closer to Him with a heart of thanksgiving. It may take some time realize what exactly God intended in those moments, but the lessons are there if we choose to be open to them.



My Adoption: Seeking to Know More

Proverbs 18-15

A little over a year ago, I talked about my constant health limbo. In that post, I discussed how I felt knowing nothing about my health history. I stand by what I said then. I trust God has my health under control, regardless of what I do or do not know.

Nevertheless, being adopted also adds another layer to the unknown. Lately, I’ve deeply mulled over knowing hardly anything about the first five and half years of my life. I’ve had a tough time embracing the haziness of that time of my life.

Now, I do know it is not common to people to remember much at that age. For instance, most of the memories my husband has from his early childhood are faint moments. He can recall eating something on a trip when he was approximately four years old. He does not remember, in detail, the moments leading up to that meal like his parents do.

In order words, most everyone’s early childhood memories involving hearing something from our parents and being able to envision it occurring, but not actually remembering the experience vividly. I am somewhat like this when it comes to my time in Russia.

My mom told me stories of what the orphanage caretaker told her. But, we all know how it is, as a story goes from one person to another, details are forgotten or changed. I am not at all saying I doubt what my mother told me. I am simply stating something I’ve frequently discussed in my communication degree studies. It’s all part of the process of transferring messages from one receiver to another.

Nevertheless, I mainly remember feelings. I remember the feeling of not having a family. I remember feeling lonely. I remember feeling out of place as the smallest, yet one of the oldest, in the orphanage.

I can see pictures, but I do not have any specific memories of people or events. In fact, I don’t remember my orphanage caretaker or my best friend at the orphanage. I’ve seen pictures, but I cannot associate anything with them. But, that isn’t to say they aren’t important to me—because they are. They are a pivotal part of my life that I desperately would like to recall.

But, that scares me.

It scares me to go through the process of discovering my memories in Russia. I am not all saying I want to go under hypnosis. No, I simply want to harness the buried emotions attached to the experiences. I want to be able to pinpoint an event without knowing all the details.

Simply put, I’d like to have a generalization of the first five years of my life. I know it is possible. And I’m open to it, which is huge for me. I never thought I’d come to this point in my life of actively seeking help to unearth forgotten memories.

I am at a point in my life where I no longer want to remain ignorant of all that has shaped me to be who I am today. This includes the time I spent in Russia. All does not begin after my time in Russia. It can be easy for my subconscious to try to convince me that my memories begin after I found a new life in America.

But, they don’t have to. My memories, my experiences (good and bad) start the moment I take my first breath, no matter where in the world that may be.

I am sure some may be wondering, what if the reason why you remember hardly anything from your time in Russia is that God is trying to protect you from a bad traumatic experience? Believe me, I have thought this more than you will ever know. In fact, that very thought is what often stopped me from ever wanting to pursue the knowledge.

But, if God has taught me anything through the trials, tribulations, and joys I have experienced, it is that He will carry me through. He will carry me through until my hairs are gray. I may spend my life in and out of deep valleys, but that doesn’t change who God is.

So, yes, in this process, however it may unfold, I may learn some hard truths about myself. Or, I may learn some wonderful truths. I am walking into the process with the mindset to know myself better rather than trying to expect a certain result. For, as I get older and as I grow closer to my husband, the more I realize I will be more content knowing something rather than knowing nothing.

All this to say, my adoption continually surprises me. It continuously challenges me. It will always be a part of me. I may simply never know how and when it chooses to impact my life. But, it will always be there. I choose to be grateful for it. I choose to embrace that part of my life story.

My call to you is this: Don’t seek out a certain life story. Be comfortable and embrace your own story instead, no matter how bland or crazy it may seem. Take any chance you can to get to know yourself better.

For those of you like me who may not know about certain portions of their life, don’t rush the moment. Don’t rush the knowledge. God will provide opportunities that will guide you to this moment if that is His will for your life. And if it is not, do not be hard on yourself or feel like you must go in search of something that may not be there in the first place.



My Style: Preferences, Go-Tos, and More

I don't know style. I know my personal style - Diane Kruger quote

At the moment, I am wearing one of the comfiest, if the not THE comfiest shirt I have ever owned. I feel like I am wearing a blanket. I had no idea it would be this soft when I placed the online order. The saying on the front is what sold me, though: I already want to nap tomorrow. Yeah, I do already want to nap tomorrow.

Comfort over style is my fashion motto, plus budget friendly. I am totally okay with splurging on an outfit here or there, or even for quality’s sake. But, I won’t be dropping hundreds of dollars for everyday wear that has holes in it.

My sense of style is simple and basic. My go-to combination is a basic, plain (usually crew or V-neck) tee with a tank top and jeans. Of course, I must have the option to wear yoga pants. I also really enjoy wearing dresses. In fact, if I wasn’t so short, I would probably LIVE in maxi dresses. I prefer breathable, comfortable clothes that are still cute or dainty. I don’t like to feel constrained by what I am wearing.

My mentality is to look like I tried without actually trying. Most of the time, it works. For instance, the other day at work, I wore a bright, colorful kimono with a black silk blouse and black leggings. I got so many compliments about the kimono.

In that outfit, I was comfortable, I felt good, and I looked professional. That’s what it is all about for me.

I have tons of tank tops. I am one of those people who can’t comfortably go a day without a tank top on. The shirt I am wearing today is one of the few exceptions. Simply, I don’t like the feeling of having my tummy uncovered in any way. Yes, it is covered by a shirt, blouse, or dress. But, it still isn’t the same coverage as a tank top.

I love to wear neutral or solid colors. I often let my accessories or layers be the pop of color or design. So, I have a yellow purse, which had to grow on me. Or, I have colorful earrings. I have a plethora of colorful scarves, too. I LOVE scarves. They are a staple in the winter, especially when I want a pop of color and an added layer of warmth.

On that same note, I practically live in cardigans during the winter and fall. Although, truthfully, I’ll even wear a cardigan in the summer because of how cold my work office can be. I think nearly any business professional can attest to the year-round ice box that is working in an office. Plus, cardigans allow me to add a layer of warmth without completely throwing off the color scheme I am trying to go for.

If I sound like a stuck-up snob about color coordination and matching, it’s because I am. I am not ashamed of it either. I have seen enough cringe-worthy combinations to stand by my pickiness. I am a stickler for color coordination. I refuse to pair brown and black. I am extremely hesitant to pair navy and black. I won’t layer two different tones of a color unless I absolutely have no option.

With color, everything must flow and go together, down to the last detail. It all comes back to comfort. I feel comfortable when I am proud of my combinations. It does not mean I spend hours getting ready. Not in the slightest. I am usually ready within twenty minutes each day. I don’t wear makeup or style my hair much.

Typically, I don’t take long to get ready because once I know an outfit combination works, I stick with it. I am a tried and true kind of gal. I don’t need the extra gunk. I need what works. If a combination does not work, I make a mental note to change it up next time I try it. It may take me a bit to find the workable combination, but once I know it works, it’s hard for me to change it.

On that note, I’d have to say, my key needs in style haven’t ever really changed. How I go about fulfilling those needs has though. For instance, I used to wear shorts and a school t-shirt quite a bit. But now, I don’t really like shorts. I go for the jeans and a basic, plain V-neck or crew neck tee.

As I have gotten older, I have been more open to going outside my usual attire, thus the bold new kimono I mentioned earlier. I don’t know where my style preferences will take me through the years.

But, one thing is for certain, I will always choose comfort over fashion. Until next time, dear friends.



Blog Posts: To Finish the Unfinished

I have to be honest with you, guys. I have an accumulating list of blogs posts that I have half started and I have yet to finish. I don’t know if I will ever finish them either. I don’t even know if I still have access to them. As I sift through the 100 plus posts I have made, it can extremely hard to keep track.

I am sure it does not help that I label some posts along the lines of “I don’t know,” or “Who knows?” This document name runs along that strand of thought. I am notorious for clicking save on Word documents, as soon and as much as possible. Therefore, there are definitely times when I save a blog post under a vague description, leaving my future self to wonder, what the heck was I trying to say then and why?

All this to say, I feel this nagging feeling in the back of my head as I try to remember what I named a partially done blog post that I consider finishing for this week or the next. Alas, my short search landed me nowhere.

So, I tell you, this post is not what I had hoped it would be about. And in case you were wondering, I will probably complete an extensive search before I ultimately decide if I should completely start anew with the idea I have literally been toiling with for over a year.

Each time, I want to add something to one of my partial posts, I am nowhere near my computer. I would write it on a notepad, but these thoughts usually come when I am in the middle of work. I try my best not to deal with any personal matters while I am at work.

Regardless, there is a part of me that enjoys going back to an old unfinished post. I get excited because I like to see how far I have come in one way or another. Although, part of me also gets anxiety. I usually get anxiety because most of my unfinished posts tend to deal with a lot of difficult topics.

Difficult personal topics. Topics that I know I want to one day share. But, not quite yet.

I know this seems ironic (yet seemingly fitting) considering my opening line in last week’s post was “Sometimes I am hesitant to share my heart.” If you read on, you’d learn my faith in Jesus Christ is not one of the topics I leave for unfinished blog posts.

My writing journey throughout this blog and life, in general, have deeply challenged me to put myself out there more. Both have challenged me to not live in fear of what others may say. Or, that could be the several sermons my pastor has given lately about not living in fear talking.

Regardless, I am hoping this post will challenge me to finish those unfinished blog posts. To put myself out there. To use my God-given talent to help even just one person who shares in my struggles.

May we all challenge ourselves to finish the unfinished.





Sharing My Heart: I Am Not Ashamed

Romans 1-16

Sometimes, I am hesitant to share my heart.

Satan likes to tempt me to believe that talking about God on this platform is not necessary. But, I refuse to let his temptations get the best of me. So, today, I am going to share my heart, even if it seems mundane, repetitive, or unnecessary.

Today, I am going to tell some of you for the first time and remind others that I have a relationship with Jesus. I am not ashamed of the gospel. I am not ashamed of what I know in my heart to be true, regardless of what the world may profess.

It is because of this lack of shame I tell you, whenever I need to calm my mind and focus at work or at home, I listen to music. I listen to Christian music that proclaims the beautiful name of Jesus. Today was one of those days I desperately needed to wind down and focus. My mind and talkative nature seemed to be everywhere but present at my job.

So, I did what I know best. I listened to music while working. Thankfully, I work at an organization that allows this. In the midst of paperwork, I found myself intimately worshiping and praising God. I found myself with tears in my eyes at the goodness and graciousness of God.

I found myself overwhelmed and in awe of God’s majesty. I found myself magnified by His power, glory, and strength all because of one song, “Strong God” by Vertical Church Band.

Father to the fatherless
Defender of the weak
Freedom for the prisoner
We sing

The opening verse brought me to a near standstill and almost flooded my face with tears. I continue to grapple with the first five years of life as an orphan. I still look back at that time. I still try to process all that it means for me, nearly seventeen and a half years later.

I still need the constant reminder, God is my Father and I am His chosen child, adopted into His Kingdom. Then, I hear the words:

With us in the wilderness
Faithful to provide
Every breath and every step
We sing

As I have touched on previously, 2016 was one of the most difficult years of life I have had thus far in my short existence. That year, I found myself in a deep pit, in a valley of depression.

Six months into 2017, I no longer find myself in a pit, but I still catch myself looking back down into the pit. I am not too far away from it either. In fact, there are times I feel inclined to crawl back in for a reason unclear to me. I still find myself looking over my shoulder wondering if it is okay to move on, to take a tiny step forward.

The above words remind me it is God who brought me out of the pit. He allowed the bad to happen. He was with me in the wilderness of life. He was with me in the pit. He provided for me in ways my heart did not know I needed. He provided and ordained every breath and every step.

He is not the God of uncertainty. He is not the God of weakness. He is Emmanuel. He is the Messiah.

I tell you, friends. Today, this is the prayer of my heart:

Sing out, lift your voice and cry out
Awesome is our strong God, mighty is our God
Sing out, raise your hands and shout out
Awesome is our strong God, mighty is our God

I will continue to sing out, lift my voice, and cry out until the good Lord Jesus Christ calls me home. For, He is in my heart. I am not ashamed.