I know I am back in school when I have to write and publish a blog post on the same day. It is challenging to write a post when I have an idea and want to write. It is even more challenging when I don’t want to write.
I find myself there right now. I don’t want to write.
In fact, I have an idea for a post. I thought I convinced myself I would write about it, too! But alas, I can’t do it. It wouldn’t be right or honest in my life at the moment. It is very difficult for me to write about one happy, cheery topic with a heavy heart.
I’d rather tell you I am struggling than make you think I am a stranger to struggle, pride, and fear.
Honestly, all I want to do right now is sleep. I just want to close my eyes and separate myself from the chaos in my life. This week has been a particularly challenging one.
Today, I was more depressed than I have ever been before. Or, at least it felt like it. To tell you the truth, I somewhat know the root of it all. But, not entirely. I hate that. I hate it when I cannot precisely pinpoint what is bothering me.
The biggest reason why I don’t like it, though, is it means I have to deal with some difficult situation or emotion. My body and mind are notorious for practically shutting down when it is time to deal with situations.
Usually, when I deal with difficult situations, I am constantly reminded that there is sin in this world. As I grow closer to God, my heart hurts more and more for that sin. I am terribly pained by sin—my own and others.
I am reminded that we constantly fall short. Even the kindest people in the world sin. Even the kindest people are just as sinful as the most malicious.
I sit here knowing I am going to have to deal with the root of one of my biggest bouts of depression ever. I must deal with it. I ought to deal with it.
But, I don’t want to deal with it.
Perhaps, that is why my heart and mind are so tired and anguished. Perhaps, that is my body’s way of saying, “It is time, Renata. You need to deal with this. You need to pray about it. You need to seek the Lord’s counsel. You need to humble yourself.”
This week, I merely ask you to pray for me. I pray for the Lord’s healing in my heart. I pray that He may relieve my anguished heart
I pray that He may open my heart to what He is trying to teach me in this extremely exhausting week. I pray that I may die to self to know Him more intimately.
I pray for Him to rejuvenate and renew my soul. I pray that I may find joy and peace in Him, regardless of my life circumstances.
I hope to write with passion and joy next week. Today, I write with a heavy heart longing for God’s ever-present peace to wash over me.
Regardless, I sincerely hope and pray you all are well. I pray that God would protect, guide, and love you in whatever season you are in. Please, let me know if there is any way I can be praying for you in this week ahead.
You are not alone, dear brothers and sisters, whether you be experiencing joy or sorrow. You are not alone.