I am one of those people who tends to be cynical and negative in life. I tend to be a skeptic before fulling believing in something. In fact, I’ve even had a handful of people tell me that I am a pessimist.
To be honest, those people aren’t completely wrong. But, they aren’t completely right either.
Let me explain.
As I have mentioned time and time again, I was born in Russia. I began the first five years of my life as an orphan. I longed to have a family. I longed to be loved.
As much as I longed for it, though, I often created opportunities—subconsciously and consciously—for people to leave. I created opportunities to confirm my mistrust of people. I used to live a great part of my life in constant mistrust of others. I refused to believe that there would, in fact, be people in my life who would never leave me or forsake me.
It took me a long while to realize I should be looking towards the One instead of other people as a sign of refuge, strength, and constant presence.
But, even though I knew in my head that God would never leave me or forsake me when I accepted Him into my life, I did not entirely know it in my heart.
For years, I tested His trust. I tested His omnipresence.
You guessed it, I created opportunities for Him to leave me, thinking, “Sure enough, He is going to walk away from me now. There’s no way He could love me after this sinful mistake. He’s done with me now.”
Because God is a God that never gives up or fails, He also tested me for years. Unbeknownst to me, He continuously put small detail after detail in my life to prove I could trust Him wholeheartedly.
Much like in my prayer life, He had to use small details to prove His greatness. Yeah, wrap your head around that.
For some, that may seem completely skewed and counterintuitive. But, it was what I needed and God knew it. He always did.
He created me to be the meticulously detailed person that I am. He created me to go nearly haywire if the coasters on my desk at work and at my home are not completely perpendicular with one another.
And because He created me to be that way, He knew I wouldn’t listen to big gestures of His love, such as His Son dying on the cross or my adoption. After all, it’s not every day that a natural born Russian finds herself a home in the United States, right? It’s not every day that a perfect, sinless Savior dies on a cross for wretched, sinful souls, right?
One would think I’d trust God completely just based on those two portions alone. But, I didn’t.
I am not ashamed to say that either. When I first accepted God into my heart, I didn’t trust Him with my whole heart, mind, and soul. But, I did believe in Him. I did believe in His undeserved gift, the atoning blood of His Son, Jesus Christ.
And I believed that I would one day find myself in a place where I could fully trust Him. I trusted Him to work in me. In the beginning, when I first began my walk with the Lord, that was the faith of a mustard seed that I needed.
The details of my life that God continues to use to bring me closer to Him and trust Him more are my mustard seeds. For, I will focus far more on the seemingly insignificant details that lead up to the climactic event far more than the event itself.
I believe in the build up more than the production. God knows that. He knows it well.
And it is because of the same God that knows me better than anyone ever has or ever will that I am able to say that my trust issues, in general, are radically better than they used to be. I mean, for goodness sakes, I am married now.
And as I much as my younger self always swore those [marriage and radically changed trust issues] would never happen, God always knew they would. He knew He’d be able to take the small orphan in Russia so scared to let anyone in and allow her to blossom into someone who loves and trusts to a whole new level that is only God-breathed and God-given.
Now, I am at a point in my life where I can trust people, understand that they are sinful, and still love them, even when they hurt me in ways I never thought possible.
That being said, though, to this day, I still struggle to trust God in some situations of my life and walk with Him. But, I do not struggle to trust Him as the Almighty One. I may struggle to trust what in the world He is doing in seasons filled with change. But, I do not struggle to cling to His majesty.
Day by day, I am slowing learning that the same majesty and greatness I trust about God Himself, I can accept in my own life. For, I am one who often thinks something is acceptable for everyone else around me, but completely off limits for myself. But, that is for another day and another time, dear brothers and sisters.
For now, I leave you with this: May your faith be a mustard seed. May God use small and big moments in your life to show you His goodness, to show you He is a trustworthy God. Not only that, may God use small and big moments in your life to show you that He is the only One we can completely trust in this life. For, He is the only One who will never leave us or forsake us, even unto eternity.
And if you are struggling to trust God wholeheartedly like I have and still do to this day at times, due to human relationships or events proving you wrong, I pray that God would be your ever-present help in an oh, so familiar season of hurt. You are not alone.