This blog can sometimes be the very representation of my walk with Christ. Let me explain. I began this blog because I wanted to write again. I began this blog in a year of my life when I did not write much at all—and definitely not for pleasure either.
I began this blog because I missed writing simply because I could. I missed making sense of my life through the written word.
But, I’ve fallen into a creative trap. I’ve succumbed to having to create content, not because I want to—but because I feel like I need to for my readers.
I do this for a few reasons. I think part of it is I am always afraid there will be that one person who expects content and I do not provide it. I do not want to disappoint this person.
Yet, I can tell my heart is not fully into the post. I am not proud of the post. Or, I feel weighed down by the post rather than encouraged or uplifted.
Thankfully, this does not happen as often as it could. Much like my walk with God, I walk into writing the post with begrudging feelings and possibly even discontent. I feel pressure. I feel a heavy weight of obligation, not willingness.
Yet, it never fails, by the time I finish diving in scripture or singing a praise and worship song or writing a blog post, I feel better. I don’t feel as stuffy. I feel renewed and uplifted, more so with reading scripture or singing than writing my blog.
Now, I am not saying I do not yearn for God’s word or do not want to write a blog post. There are many times when my heart overflows with reverence to know more about Jesus Christ. There are many times when I am beyond grateful God led me to Himself.
But, to me, this makes sense. My relationship with Christ matters most above all else. Yes, I am incredibly grateful I have the skill of writing, but ultimately, it is worthless if I do not use the gift to glorify God.
I think part of my creative trap also houses fear. I do not want to write because of the platform I created for myself—my life. I think there is a reason why most writers tend to be introverts. We think about life a lot. Actually, a lot more than people may be aware of.
When I decided the platform of my blog would be my life story, my heart hurt in a good and bad way. Sometimes, I do not want people to know how I struggle, why I struggle, and to what extent I struggle. But, I could not ignore the call God placed on my heart.
I refused to believe all the chaos in my life did not have a purpose. I refused to believe my story was not one worth sharing. Even so, the decision comes with some fear and trembling.
So, this is where you find me. In the creative trap. I often ask myself, why am I writing this? Am I writing this out of obligation, out of trepidation, or out of overflowing joy? Some days, I do not like the answer, and I really have to reevaluate my heart.
Nonetheless, a year and a half later, I still feel God tugging on my heart to continue this blog. To continue sharing my story. To continue being raw, real, and authentic.
I will keep doing this until God opens another door for me. I will keep creating material and trusting God will use it for His glory and in His timing. I will simply trust Him.
I thought you ought to know where I stand in all of this. I thought you ought to know where my heart is some days. I thought you ought to know the creative trap—why do I do this and what is the root of my material—does exist.
I’ve learned it’s okay. I’ve learned it means I care about what I say and who I say it to. So, even if I’ve never met some of you or barely know you, I care about you. I care about what I present to you. This material is not just about me or for me. It is for anyone and everyone who chooses to or happens to stumble upon my blog.