The more I live in this world, the more I realize some parts of life are a never-ending hourglass. Every small occurrence we go through is a grain of sand. Though they are all small and seem to be separate from each other, they all form the foundation of our lives.
And just when we think we have lived and dealt with each portion of those grains, they turn over and begin again in another cycle and season. Yet, this season is not new. It is only slightly different. It is still the same foundation. Only with a slight variation.
Right now, I am in the middle of the hourglass. I am in the pinched section hoping for something different. Trying to experience something new. Only to be dropped into the chaos again. I am continuously trying to make sense of the recent valley I was so deeply in. I am still trying to understand why it all happened.
With each tearful and hurtful moment, I furiously hope it is the last time the valley will ever affect me. I hope for constant peace. To no avail, the valley comes back again. Slowly. It creeps. Just like the grains of sand.
The hardest part of this recent valley of my life is not letting it consume me. It is not letting it steal my joy and peace in basic tasks and pleasures. It is not letting it be more than it was.
As much I would love to compartmentalize that part of my life, it’s extremely difficult. I can’t tuck it away and act like it like it never happened. I can’t over define it either. It will always be part of my life story. Therefore, I must accurately and carefully acknowledge it for what it was. Otherwise, I will never be able to properly move on.
But, that’s hard. Moving on is hard. It means learning what parts of my life can and cannot be touched by it. Basically, taking control of my life outside of that situation can be extremely difficult. My heart hurts thinking about the pain I will have to go through in order to reach a place of peace.
People seem to think it’s hardest to live in the heat of the hurt and pain. I disagree. Learning to move on while all you want to do is stand still and be numb is the hardest part.
I write to you in a time of life filled with a lot of hurts, pain, and exhaustion. I write to you in the pinch of my hourglass trying to make sense of the foundation that lies before and after this moment.
I long to get past all of this. I long to move on and be changed. I long to heal. I long to deeply love the hurt and the lost. For now, I wait and challenge myself to draw the lines between my past experiences, present moments, and future aspirations. I slowly construct my broad concept of this valley in life.
Quite frankly, I don’t know how or when this valley of my life will become fruitful for His glory. I may or may not see it in my lifetime. It may be a cross I soon let go of or it may be a cross I carry until I go to my heavenly home.
No matter the outcome, I know Jesus will get me through. Only He will. I trust that He will in His timing. I trust that He has a greater plan for me and everyone else hurt in this valley.