Often times, people tell me one of the qualities they like most about me is my honesty and rawness with them. I am not mentioning this to be cocky either. It really is true. I am one of the most honest people you’ll meet. It’s part of my natural, subconscious habits and behaviors.
In fact, while at a physical therapy appointment earlier this week, my therapist figured out I was someone who generally got A’s, I was newly married, and I typically don’t do proper stretches unless I want to, regardless of doctors’ orders. She figured all of this out without me saying a word.
Like I said, I am an honest person. Although this is something I tend to love about myself, there are times where my level of honesty is my biggest insecurity. Sometimes, I would love to be able to hide behind years of hurt and pain and not have my facial expressions say a thousand words. Yet, without fail, they do.
Therefore, I will be honest with you. I hit rock bottom this week. This week was another difficult week. I am in a season of life filled with many valleys. I hit rock bottom in my relationship with Jesus and practically got back to square one, which took place three years. Let me explain.
When I first met my husband, I came to him in a season filled with many hurts and pains. I didn’t have the greatest family life. Yes, my parents loved me and cared for me, but some parts of my life just didn’t make sense with my adoption. Therefore, my actions followed suit with what I knew—chaos.
Three years ago, I questioned God and all I thought I knew to be true about Him. I didn’t want anything to do with Him. I chose to vigorously fight rather than fall into His arms. I found myself there again for a short time this week. While attending a Bible study—yes, a Bible study—I looked up while everyone shared prayers requests, and I said to myself, “Why am I even here?”
Then, on my way home, I find out a family member of mine had passed away that day. Welcome to rock bottom.
As I sat in the car, all I could think was, “Why God? Why do I continuously get a trial after trial?” I seemed to be more upset about having the trial, regardless of what it was, than the specific trial itself. Needless to say, my emotional turmoil began.
One of my initial questions to the news was, “Does God really exist? Have I been believing in a lie?” One of the first things my husband said to me was, “I knew when you received your initial news all those months ago, that we would get back to square one.” Square one is the illustration above from three years ago. He was right. I was back there again.
I was distraught and so confused. I didn’t know what to believe or say or do. All I could do was call a friend and tell her where I was in my walk. I questioned the decision for a couple days. Honestly, I felt ashamed of telling her. After weeks, if not months, worth of bad weeks, I didn’t want to tell people I was still struggling. I was especially struggling with the fact that I trusted her with the information at all.
Then, my husband brought this point to my attention, “Even though I feel distant and away from God, the fact that I told someone shows I care enough about my walk with Jesus Christ to tell people where I am, even if it is only for a short moment.”
In other words, as much as I tried to deny God’s existence and believe He was not in control, in my heart, I knew He was. I knew the moment I called my friend. I can tell you right now, I wouldn’t have called her three years ago if I was in the same situation. In fact, I probably wouldn’t have told anyone. I would have just let it be and buried it.
I also knew my relationship with God was real when I read a homework assignment and said, “I don’t agree with this because it goes against God’s Word.” I also knew when I sang praise and worship songs to myself while doing housework. As much as I try to deny it, I know God is in control of my current trials and seasons of life. He always is.
So, yet again, I tell you I am in a hard place. But, I also know the toughest effects are only temporary. The situation will always affect me in some way, but there will be closure soon.
I also tell you, earlier this week, I didn’t know if God was real. I didn’t know where I was in life. But, He brought me back to Him. All I, and anyone else, can do from this point on is ask for strength today, tomorrow, and every day. Whether we are in a season of joy or despair, we need His strength or, like me, you too will hit rock bottom.