Before I ever tell anyone the things I excel in, I often dump all the bad first. It seems to be easier to degrade myself than it is to uplift. When I focus on the bad parts, I tend to overjudge and not give myself any grace. I destroy myself well before I say, “Hey, you messed up. You had a bad day. That doesn’t mean you are unloved by God.” In fact, it means the complete opposite.
I am still working on giving myself grace. This past week, like many recent ones, has been difficult and filled with a lot of hurts thrown at others. I seemed to constantly hurl one sinful and irrational behavior after another. Just when I thought I would run to Jesus and deal with the root of my problems, I continued to throw more stones. I didn’t think I deserved to come face-to-face with Jesus after all of my recent actions.
But I did. I always do because of His abounding grace.
This past weekend, I went to a women’s conference at my church. However, I can tell you right now, when I woke up the morning of the conference, I flat out did not want to go. The topic the speaker planned to discuss was way too close and personal to my current life and heart situation. I wanted to run away rather than deal with God’s nudge saying, “Go, Renata. I will take care of you.”
The conference, like many other events I felt called to attend, was where I needed to be this past weekend. Yet again, Jesus showed me if I feel inclined to not go to an event that will bring me closer to Him or others, that’s a fairly obvious sign I NEED to go. It’s God’s soft reminder saying, “I am the One in control. Just trust Me.”
It’s usually not about whether or not I want to go but if He has called me to go. Let me set the scene. Recently, I was invited to a girls’ night event by someone who I don’t know too well, but I long to get to know better. The moment I received the invite, I was ecstatic and couldn’t wait. I was so grateful for the time I would get to know this woman.
However, as the event grew closer, my insecurities flooded over me. I thought, “Oh, no! I will be the oddball and youngest one in the group. I can’t go.” I also thought, “I don’t want to share my recent hurts and pains. If I don’t go, I won’t have to.” Oh, and then I thought, “I haven’t RSVP’d yet. I can say no.” You get the point. I wanted to run away from what I felt led to do. My initial reaction spoke for itself.
Guess what? I went to the girls’ night out and I went to the church conference anyway. The moment I got to both events, I felt at peace and I knew I was supposed to be there. You know how it goes, you fight it and fight it. Then, when it boils down to the actual event, you feel like the person God created you to be.
I was still the same person as I walked through the front doors. I still felt the same hurts and the same pains. I still had the same insecurities. However, I too felt joy and peace. For the first time all week, I began to feel at peace because I loosened my grip in the tug of war I played with Jesus.
I would love to tell you I had the greatest time of my life and I am absolutely thrilled I went to both events. But, I cannot. I didn’t fix all my problems over some mashed potatoes or a few sessions with a guest speaker either. What I can tell you, though, is I went. Also, I grew closer to people I dearly love and took a few steps back towards Jesus.
Honestly, I don’t know why God nudged me to attend both events and I may never know why. I could’ve been there to help someone else rather than myself. Again, I may never know why and that’s okay. The speaker at the conference reiterated a point I have heard before that goes along these lines: Sometimes, we don’t have to know the overall masterpiece of His plan, we just have to do what God is calling us to do.
If you ever feel God telling you, “Go.” Then, go. You don’t have to know why. Just obey with every bit of your broken, sinful self. Do what He is calling you to do.