I preface this all by saying this post is more for me than anyone else who reads it. This is probably one of the hardest, yet most necessary blog posts I will ever write. I want to look back at this one day and see growth. I want to see grace. I want to see Jesus blind the darkness. I am not going to write about another topic because this situation needs to be brought to light.
For my entire life, and even still to this day, I have had trust issues with people. I have the hardest time letting people in my life because of my adoption. I have spent years of tears and frustration and counseling trying to deal with the reality that my biological mother left me in the hospital. It has been the foundation and root of much hurt and pain.
It has affected every relationship I have ever had with people. I am a master at shutting people out and finding a way to make them leave my life. I have spent years dealing with someone leaving me instead of believing Jesus is greater than the occurrence that took place the first moments of my life.
For the past couple of weeks or so, I have distanced myself from people without even realizing it. I have kept things from people out of fear of disappointing them. I have distanced myself from God because I am having such a hard time believing I can trust Him.
It’s incredible how our subconscious works. It’s funny how we creep back into our old tendencies without any hesitation. Most of the time, when we try to tell ourselves to do one thing, we always manage to do the opposite. My natural tendency is to lurk and hide behind walls, to avoid topics and people out of fear of having to be real and honest.
I knew I was doing that when I couldn’t remember the last time I had a genuine conversation with my husband. I constantly felt distant and distracted. I mean, he’s my best friend, and I managed to draw away from him. I thank God I came to this realization on my own, though, because it was then I knew I am right where Satan wants me.
He kept feeding me lies and luring me away from dealing with the root of my recent distance from others. A lot of times, I can pinpoint why I feel depressed or distant. I have tried to figure out why it has occurred this time, but it just never came to me. However, the moment it did, Satan was front and center in my head and heart.
How do I know this? Let me set the scene. My husband asked me, “What part of your trial is specifically causing YOU pain? Not the effects of the trial, but specifically you.” I listed my top three responses. My third response was simple, yet mighty and profound. Trust was broken.
Someone, who I thought I could always trust, broke that trust. I knew this to be true beforehand. However, I never dealt with it. I buried it. I ignored it. I avoided it until it consumed me. It doesn’t matter who broke my trust. What matters is that it happened and I need to deal with it.
As I lay in my bed and come to this innate conclusion, it roars out of me. I literally scream at the top of my lungs. And I start to wail and scream into my pillow because I just can’t handle it. I am so upset about coming around this topic again and again. At this point, I am angry that all of my greatest trials in my life revolve around broken trust and people leaving. I cannot handle it at this point.
Again, I am right where Satan wants me.
Then, I become still, and I look at my husband again. I can feel my face forming an expression, but I don’t really know what it is exactly. Then, my husband says, “Why are you looking at me that way? You are looking at me like you hate me.”
And again, I cry. I apologize and I don’t know what to do. Again, I am right where Satan wants me.
And it is in that moment, I feel Satan trying to fight the Holy Spirit within me. The battle is fierce. All I can do is yell, “Stop it! Leave me alone.” But, the truth is, I don’t have the power or authority to make Satan leave. Only God does.
Brothers and sisters, God is trustworthy. Humans break our trust because they are sinful. However, I have spent too much time and energy running away from God to realize this. God knew it would take an encounter with Satan to make me begin turning back to Him.
I am still a wreck. I still have trust issues. I still feel distant from God and those dearest to me. But, instead of shutting down, I am going to take small steps towards freedom from the chains that hold me down. I am going to share with my husband. I am going to enjoy fellowship with believers. I am going to put on the full armor of God, as expressed in Ephesians 6:10-18.
If it seems like my relationship with God has been a rollercoaster ride, you are absolutely right. It has. The reason why is fairly simple. Here’s why:
I keep mentioning the fact I am going through a trial right now because it’s affecting me in so many ways. Honestly, it’s probably one of the hardest trials I have ever had. And it is the catalyst of the recent uproar. My husband told me we all have weak spots. And you know what? He’s right. We all have that one area that constantly tests us and tries us. It’s the one area that is the root of every struggle and tribulation. I am sure some of you know exactly what I am talking about.
My call to you is find your weak spot and take the initiative to deal with it. Be honest with where you are in that weak spot. Don’t lie to yourself and do not allow Satan to get cozy in your heart. My call to you is not simple, nor is it easy. But, with God and our full armor, we can fight Satan. He is not stronger than God. He does not rule and reign. God does.
Again, I tell you, don’t let Satan get cozy in your heart. Fight him with the full armor of God.