I am going to be honest with you, guys. I am someone who seeks and strives for control. I hate not knowing when something is going to happen. Nor do I like it when roadblocks occur in solid plans. It gives me anxiety and floods my thoughts with worry and discontent.
I am one of those people who says, “If something fails, I want it to be because of me.” I do not want to put my trust in something or someone else. I just don’t. It is scary and uncomfortable. Really, though, as scary and uncomfortable as it is, it is downright human nature. Everyone seeks for a certain level of control. For some, it is just a dash. For others, like myself, it is overwhelmingly dominant in their way of life and attitude.
From the moment I accepted Jesus into my heart and my life, I had trouble fully trusting Him. How’s that for some truth? But really, I did. I trusted Him, but I did not fully trust Him. I struggled to give Him all the control, instead of certain portions. I did not say, “Here, Lord. Have all of me. Every part of my life, good or bad, and use if for Your glory.” Realistically, it was more like, “Here, Lord. You can have this part of my life. But not this. Oh, and you can have this, but definitely not that!” A few years later, my walk with the Lord is still similar to this tug and pull mentioned above, though it is not as prevalent.
Instead of trying to quite frankly overwhelm myself, I have learned to trust God with small portions of my life at a time. It is not as dramatic as the tug and pull illustrated above, but it is close. I had to be honest with myself about where I was in my relationship with Christ, before I could start somewhere. Some people may not agree with my decision to go through the process in small steps, but considering I am someone who values control in life, it made sense. Now, I tend to say, “God, I am really struggling to give You this portion of my life. I am struggling to believe You are who You say You are. You have provided time and time again. Help me to believe You can again.”
It is so much easier for me to give God my problem or situation, when I can look at the past times He was faithful and provided much fruit. I guess that would be why I take steps into trusting God, instead of drowning myself in uncertainty. I did not know much about Christ, when I chose to believe in Him. However, after I heard about the gift of His Son, I knew He was faithful.
Mark 9:24 resonates deeply with me any time I, yet again, delve into the challenge that is fully immersing myself in Christ and all that He has to offer. It is a desperate, heartfelt plea that I often cry to the Lord. I so badly want to make sense of everything going on in my life and all that the Lord is trying to teach me the moment it occurs. I want to have the gift that comes from fully trusting in Him before I go through the trenches of learning to do just that. I know, some may be thinking, “Wow! Believing the Lord is faithful and trusting Him is the most difficult commitment in one’s life.” To be honest, sometimes it is. Others times, it is the easiest decision.
To some it seems obvious, but I am just now realizing what it really means to have a relationship with Christ. Much like human relationships, we have to learn to trust people a little bit at a time. I can guarantee you I did not trust my husband when I first met him. However, over time, through previous experiences and situations, I learned it was okay to trust my husband.
Although Christ does seek a relationship with us like that of other humans, He seeks so much more than that as well! If I have learned anything from God this year, it is that when He says He desires a relationship, He means the deepest, most devoted relationship you have ever known or understood. He wants us to understand and know Him better than we know think we know ourselves, our friends, or our family.
Quite frankly, He wants us to completely abandon all that we know about this world and wholeheartedly seek Him. That sounds pretty daunting, yes. Nevertheless, it is also absolutely beautiful to know that our Heavenly Father desires such a meaningful relationship with His Children. It almost makes the troubles and doubts of this world seem like pieces of gold, all working to bring us closer to Him.
My walk with the Lord is a myriad of words—challenging, beautiful, emotional, daring, scary, and peaceful. I am sure everyone can relate in some way. Trusting anyone, let alone the Creator of the world, can seem overwhelming and filled with a whirlwind of emotions. On the other hand, there is a peace that floods my heart when I know Him who is for me is the ultimate Provider and Sustainer.
I do not know where you are in your life. I do not know if you are in a season showered with blessings or a seasons filled with worry and doubt. I do not know if you know Jesus Christ or if you are just now hearing about Him for the first time. I challenge you, if you have questions about Jesus Christ, talk to someone who knows Him. Regardless, whether you completely trust God with every fiber of your being or are struggling to even take the next step, remember He is faithful and with you every step of the way.