More often than not, I consider myself an emotionally unstable person. Emotions are a beautiful, challenging overflow of the heart. Without emotions, there ultimately cannot be love and the ability to open up to others. However, emotions, like my own, can also bottle up, clam up, and blow up well before a situation is dealt with calmly. I struggle daily defeating my inward, innate emotional responses. Thankfully, through the power of Jesus, one recent event has helped transform the ordinary customs of my behavior.
The event that took place was minuscule, yet absolutely and utterly profound, too. It shook me to my core and awakened all my defenses. It numbed my body and catapulted me into a state of complete surrender. The details of what occurred are not as important as the root cause of all these reactions inside. This one event taught me that I needed to take a deep, hard look into my emotional state, or I could forever tarnish some valuable relationships. For years, I knew I needed to. Because I am a selfish, sinful human, I kept brushing off the desire to go through the painful and necessary process of taking back my emotions.
Nevertheless, in order to take control of my emotions, I had to take back the anchor of my instability: I needed to deal with my adoption. As I have said before, my biological mother left me in the hospital on my birthdate. The spiritual, emotional, and mental repercussions of accepting that detail of my life have been incredibly painful and heartbreaking to work through. Nevertheless, I am far better with the topic now than I was two years ago.
Despite that, I cannot say I have fully dealt with the situation. Just when I think I have overcome the anchor, another event takes place that rocks me to my core again. I have yet to come to a point in my life where thinking about my adoption has not left me numb in some way. I am not as angry toward my biological mother as I used to be. I am not as angry and stubborn, in general. Now, I am more inclined to have difficult discussions. Although, usually the other party must bring up the discussion. Rarely do I bring up the need for a discussion. Usually, I sit and barely speak, looking for anything to distract myself, which is the fancy way of saying I ignore the issue. I am not the type of person who enjoys dealing with confrontation at the moment it arises. I would much rather think about it before speaking or run away from the topic entirely. Yes, if you have not guessed it, I usually completely run away.
Indeed, I am a messy person. My life has a lot of yucky areas. I need to keep myself accountable. This minuscule, yet profound event that occurred recently hit me square in the head. It was then I realized not everyone will react as graciously as others when the anchor in my soul is the megaphone behind my actions. Telling people that I have yet to deal with my adoption fully is not an excuse NOT to work toward destroying the anchor once and for all.
I think that is where I have been wrong this whole time: I should not justify my actions based off an experience only I went through. I should not have to preface all of my conversations with people that my biological mother left me in the hospital just to explain my actions in the next few moments. No, that is selfish and unfair.
Therefore, I know full well, I did not react in a godly way to the recent event in my life. I reacted with selfishness, fear, and trembling. I did not trust God to be all who He says and proclaims Himself to be. I thought my personal instability was greater than the present situation. Again, selfish. It is okay if you are saying, “Wow, she must really be selfish. All she ever writes about is her selfishness. When will she get it and stop being that way?” I completely understand. I ask myself that all the time. However, because I was born in sin and will live in sin until I die, I won’t ever stop being selfish. Despite that, there is a light at the end of this dark tunnel. Being able to acknowledge any selfishness is huge. Quite frankly, I can do everything possible to not have human tendencies such as selfishness. But, truth be told, I will carry that cross with me until I go home to Jesus.
Lastly, I tell you this: We all have an anchor in our souls. We all have some event or someone that greatly shaped who we are spiritually, emotionally, and mentally. We have to take the time to look at our lives and identify it. Then, destroy it. The only anchor that should be in our heart and soul is Jesus. Anything else will bring nothing but pain. No anchor but that of Jesus Christ will break us free.