“For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.” – Philippians 1:6.
Guys, I am going to be completely honest with you. Sometimes I do not want to write a blog post simply because it forces to be honest with others about my life. Today could’ve been one those days I did not write anything out of fear of the truth. But, I am not going to let that happen this time. This time, I choose to be vulnerable with people.
One of the daily battles of sin I fight is anger. I have had anger problems for as long as I can remember. In fact, I spent my first night in America sleeping on a hardwood floor solely because of my anger. My anger is an ugly, little monster that burns within at the worst moments. For nearly 15 years, the only way I have ever known how to deal with my anger was to blow up—to practically blow a gasket. Blowing up consists of me yelling, screaming and thrashing things around. However, the biggest result of my blow ups involves me becoming my own worst critic. In those fragile, yet almost volatile moments, I believe every lie that Satan has ever told me: “Renata, you are worthless; you have no value; you are a failure; no one loves you. You are not good enough; stop believing that you can be better.” That list is my broken record of shame.
Growing up, I learned to bottle up all my issues in life. I never talked about how I truly felt about anything. I did not ever express any pains I was feeling. I knew that if I did so, it would entail another lecture. I spent so much of my life trying to please other people that I forgot to take care of myself. My subconscious always fought the never-ending battle of works-based love and unconditional love. Because of that inner battle within me, I never learned how to peacefully talk things out. I did not want to upset others and I did not want to fail. Therefore, I would not talk about practically hundreds of issues until one little comment set me off. One spark set off my ticking bomb.
For years, I thought that was normal. I could see my parents were trying to understand what was going on. But, after a while, they would just let me go to my room and the current issue would not be resolved. After training my body to do so for years upon years, it became very difficult to break the cycle. I would LOVE to tell you I no longer struggle with anger, due to the power of Jesus. But, I still do. However, what I will tell you—I am far better now than where I was three years ago when I began college. Without a doubt, I know God is doing a mighty work in me. I may still slip back into my old nasty ways, and let my anger get the best of me, like I did today, but I know that God is not finished with me yet. He will not be until I see Him in Heaven. I have hope knowing that He is still working on me. I can rest in His truth knowing that He will never give up on me or leave me.
I do not know what struggles with sin you all carry, but just know that God is not finished with you yet either!! He cares about you SO MUCH. Clinging on to the truth that God cares for me is the only way to get out of my angry blow ups. It is no coincidence at all that God’s truth is the only winner in my inward battle with Satan and my anger. Please, do not beat yourselves up and fall into a pit of shame for going back into old ways. We are all going to slip up and sin! Do not let that one moment of sin destroy the beautiful artwork God is molding you in to. For anyone out there with any anger problems, no that you are NOT ALONE. My only wish is that this post encourages you to be vulnerable and honest with others. It is scary, yes, but it is so worth it. Do not give up! Rest in His Truth, this day and every day: “The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.” – Exodus 14:14.